This blog is meant as an outlet. No one should ever see this. I don't plan to tag any posts or do anything to promote this blog. if you do find this it's either because I really trust you or you guessed the URL. That's really the only hint to this blog's existence. Enjoy your stay.
Background Illustrations provided by: http://edison.rutgers.edu/

Tale of the Tape - Kay

Oh Kay, Kay, Kay, Kay. Kay is a very interesting person. She has been abandoned by her family, treated like shit by her grandmother and her grandmother’s boyfriend (don’t ask). She has had people in and out of her life as long as I’ve known her, and she is one of the strangest people I’ve ever met. She was the first break I ever took in a relationship. I asked for a break from my relationship with my ex-girlfriend to explore my feelings for Kay. Because with Lacey I learned very quickly that you can’t build a relationship solely on sex, but Kay had common interests and shared hobbies. But she ended up being a much different person than I expected her to be. I bailed out of that and my interest in her is another that is filed under purely sexual, Could there be more? Yes, but it would require a lot of changes in her personality that I am not comfortable asking for. No one should have to change any healthy part of themselves for someone to love them. That’s why I stopped pursuing her. She became a camgirl for a website and that reignited my sexual interests in her because she was hot as hell, but I never felt anything for her emotionally once I got to know her.

Tale of the Tape - Lacey

 The first crack in a very old, brittle wall. Thinner than paper. The first girl I’d ever cheated on my ex-girlfriend with. I became interested in this girl, Lacey. She was a very sexually open girl, here, in person, not four hours away who wanted to fuck me and liked me. I was fourteen or fifteen and I didn’t know if I wanted to be with a single female sexually in my entire life. I was immature and made a selfish, uneducated call. That’s not excuse though, what i did was wrong. I hate it. It’s on a long list of things to change if I ever get a do-over. I’ll go more into detail on it later, but for right now that’s all that’s important. She has a boyfriend now, we have almost nothing in common except our sense of humor, and our relationship really has no chance of ever ascending beyond friends with benefits at best. I’m getting remarkable at this cold and calculating thing. But then again, hindsight is 20/20, right?

Tale of the Tape - Dee

 Dee is actually an actual short explanation, I was incorrect about Kate being a short story but this one is and it’s the most revolting of all.
Dee is a country girl who lives in the same town as Kate. I cheated on Kate with Dee and grew attached to her because she was basically a clone of Kate sexually, just slightly different. It was variety, the spice of life. I had no emotional attachment to Dee at any point, all she was, was a sexual partner. The only girl I’ve had no strings attached to. We have nothing in common, we know next-to-nothing about each other, and a days ago I finally ended it. She’s gotten very into me over the years and I never cared to notice it. I just kept fooling myself into thinking that if she was so far away eventually she would find someone there and things would fizzle out. But they didn’t. She’s said she cared about me and all these crazy things and she doesn’t even know me. I told her we could never speak again. I’m not getting someone else attached to me like that. I’m done.
The only reason she’s relevant is because I cheated on my ex-girlfriend a handful of times with her. But mostly with Kate.

Tale of the Tape - Kate

 Kate is a short explanation. I dated her for a while, less than a year but close to it. She was the first girl I had ever talked sexually with. She taught me how to ERP and definitely holds a spot in my memory for that. She’s a great person, we’ve never had a fight, and she’s always been there for me when I needed her. But I treated her like shit. Like a yo-yo. I bounced her into my life when I was lonely or horny and I bounced her back out when my conscience got the better of me. It’s disgusting and one of the aspects of my life that I am the least happy about. I wish I’d treated her better too. I spend a lot of my days now wishing I had treated people better. My biggest problem is that I was too attached to her sexually. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt a real emotional attachment to her which makes it all the more revolting that I treated her the way I did. Off and on for the entirety of my relationship with my ex-girlfriend I sought her out for the purpose of ERP. I wish I could go back and tear her out of my life the minute I broke up with her. I’d tear her out of my life now if it weren’t for my desperate need to feel wanted by…someone. I know I’m just making it worse. I’ve gotten off of some of my crutches…I’ve left a lot of my crutches behind me but until I have a reason to leave this one I just can’t. I can’t deny having feelings for her at the moment, but I don’t act on them. I’m maintaining platonic distance still, she has a boyfriend despite her engagement being broken off, and I know my heart isn’t in a place for a relationship. Especially not a long-distance one. She’s a very kind heart and loves me more than I can explain. But I don’t love her that way and I know it. Love is a chemical reaction in the brain that’s a lot like cocaine in it’s composition. The feelings I’m experiencing are withdrawals and I know that if I run into a new relationship I’ll just hurt whoever I attach myself to. I know that’s how junkies work. I don’t want to be a junkie. I can’t even tell who I have feelings for and who I just want to be with to be with someone.
That’s basically it for Kate. She’s a lovesick girl I’ve taken advantage of. I wish I could take her feelings for me away without hurting her. Maybe something could come from it but not now. I didn’t want to shut her out because i didn’t want to hurt her, I chose to try to make everyone happy, and now no one is. Greed has earned its title as one of the seven deadly sins.

Tale of the Tape - Madeline

 Madeline and I were never really friends. She was my ex-girlfriends best friend, and an ex-girlfriend of mine. Do I have your attention? Good.
Before I dated the girl who started it all, I dated her best friend. We met, shared similar interests, and ended up sort of being put together. I think.
She’s a good person, very dedicated to how she feels. I think she comes off like a bitch to some people for the same reason I come off as a prick; because when it comes down to it she forms her opinions and sticks to them. She doesn’t conform very much and I admire her for that. I think if circumstances were different her and I could have gotten a long really well. We’d butt heads, but more as friends than as mortal enemies.
Madeline and I broke up because when I kissed her I didn’t really feel the spark I was looking for. Or at least that’s what I tell people. Honestly the reason I left her was because I was an immature little shit. She’s a preacher’s daughter and didn’t seem like she would be interested in a sexual relationship before marriage. I knew that if she didn’t want to have sex before marriage our relationship was going to fail and I wanted to get out of it before we were too attached and got really hurt. I’ve never actually told anyone that. Probably because I’m embarrassed about it. She’s grown into a very independent, headstrong, beautiful young woman. I do believe I missed out in retrospect. Live and learn I suppose. Anyway onto the story.
After I left Madeline she was in two relationships I know of. She dated one boy named Garrett and one named Jackson.
The first boy, Garrett and her dated for a while and broke up. I’m not entirely sure why. After that she got into a relationship with Jackson who sexually assaulted her. I don’t know all the details but I don’t think it was full on rape, but sexually assaulting a woman in general is wrong. After that, they broke up and she got back with Garrett. Garrett had gotten really into a sport and i think it was football and was on some kind of steroid. He was very emotionally and physically abusive to her so she broke it off with him as well. Afterwords she started dating Jackson again and I’m not sure why.
For this reason, Madeline dislikes me. I dumped her and she hasn’t had a good relationship since. I’ve treated her best friend in a less than ideal manner, and I deserve a lot of the grief she gave me. I think it’s fair to say as much as Madeline bothers me because of how negatively she’s impacted my ex-girlfriend’s feelings for me by talking about me the way she has, I think I’ve developed something of a grudging crush on her. She knows who she is and she isn’t afraid to be that person. Out of the four of us, she’s the most like me in her personality. Some days I wonder if I made the right decision in choosing her friend over her. But they aren’t meat on a shelf, they are both people with feelings and I’ve hurt them both. I will most likely never get the chance to remedy the damage I’ve done to them. I’m so sorry for the effect I’ve had on her life. I wish I could make all of us happy.

Tale of the Tape - James

 James and I go back a long time. I met him through a mutual acquaintance because we were in the same church. It wasn’t a regular church though it was a home church, just my grandparents, his family, my family, and for a while another family. We would all meet up at one of our homes and have a service, food, eat, and talk. It was a lot of fun. After one day of church we were all talking and he mentioned that he didn’t know if he believed EVERYTHING in the Bible. Now his parents are very strict religious people, him and his older brother worked on a very strict chore schedule while his father worked all day and his mother did absolutely nothing. That’s still how it goes today. So James says this in front of everyone and we just kind of ignore it, like, we’re just kids right? Is it that big of a deal? Apparently yes it is.
We all get ready to leave for the day and my Mom realizes she forgot something and goes back inside to get it. Inside she notices that James and his parents are in his parents room with the door closed and his brother comes in to greet her. He asks what she needs, gets it and leaves. Before she left she did overhear what was going on in the room though. They were praying over him, praying that he’d open his mind to all of the truth of the Bible. Now that isn’t the biggest problem unless you know James. In reality, he was sexually assaulted by a relative a few years older than him. The parts of the Bible I personally believe he was referring to are the parts that talk about killing gays and homosexuals because he confided in me a long time ago that he had these thoughts and urges towards that side of the road. As a kid I was pretty prejudiced towards gays and the like, so I freaked out a little bit, but I was there for him because he was my friend you know? Friendship is important. Or I thought it was.
i wasn’t always the most sensitive friend, I still used terms like gay, fag, shit like that as terms for something being stupid or lame. It was just how I worded things. It was how the people I hung out with every day other than Sunday acted. I didn’t think much of it but in retrospect I guess I was just a kid being a prick. I’m sorry for that. James if you ever see this I’m sorry for not being more considerate.
He struggled for a long time with the rights and wrongs of  
Anyway, we didn’t hang out much outside of church and homeschool events. We were both homeschooled and they had these events occasionally where a bunch of goodie-two-shoes religious kids would get together and have fun. Sadly the definition of fun was mostly just chilling out in sects and talking about each other. Great fun. I guess we didn’t miss out on the entire school experience after all. We always stayed tight though, never really had any serious conflicts that I can recall. But when our home church disbanded we saw each other even less. I was always closer with his older brother than I was with him until my freshman year in High School. That’s when his brother was going off to College and James and I became closer friends. We started attending this thing called Monday School where a bunch of the people in the homeschool group got together to take classes like Science, Math, History, etc. It was pretty neat. I’ll explain more of that later, I don’t want to get side tracked again.
James had a lot of personal struggles. Eventually he came out to his parents that he was gay, he dealt with similar “catholic guilt” about masturbation that I did. When his parents were finally told by him about his struggles with masturbation, watching porn, and his homosexuality they had him talk to his preacher. He was essentially put through many “pray the gay away”  sessions from what I understand. For a while everyone was under the impression they worked, but they did’t.
As I came to find out my friend still continued to have a hard time, he wanted to be a good, happy Christian, but he also struggled with his true self. I hated seeing it and all I ever did was encourage him to move on with his life and just accept himself as he was. I tried to be a good friend and be there for him as much as I could. We shared personal stories, secrets, and we were always there for each other when we needed to be. James was definitely one of my best friends and i would have trusted him with anything. But that ended up being my mistake I guess.
He’s bounced different ideas around for years, he’s tried different ways to change himself into someone his parents will love but it never works. The changes never last. He always ends up back where he started, depressed, lonely, and miserable. I hope he’s happy one day but I don’t know if he ever will be. Not unless he accepts himself despite his family and how they might feel about him. Because as much as they may accept his skateboarding, karate, vegetarian food choices, job, or whatever new hobby or niche he decides to carve for himself, unless they accept his homosexuality as part of who he is instead of treating him like a diseased animal for it, he will never be happy. And it breaks my heart.

Tale of the Tape - Travis (Me)

 Every tale needs characters. The cast of my life isn’t a particularly colorful one, but they deserve introductions.

 First I’ll introduce myself; you can call me Travis. I’m currently a nineteen year old College dropout without a lot of direction. I used to have direction but I kind of lost it. I was raised as a church-going Christian (though that isn’t exactly a label I cling to these days). I’ve struggled with “catholic guilt” since I was a young kid because I was always very interested in the opposite sex. I would sneak around and try to watch things like American Pie, The Girl Next Door, Howard Stern, anything with lots of sexual undertones and a possibility of mosaic-protected lady bits. Even as a young child I didn’t know what sex was but I always had this idea that I wanted to put my penis inside a girl and pee (funny enough I do have a friend who thought something similar). After I would sneak around and try to watch these things I’d go to my Mom and try to apologize, seek forgiveness and guidance to avoid it in the future, things of that nature. But it never lasted because when I got horny I’d try to find something on tv that satisfied my desire for pixelated boobs (my favorites were definitely the Girls Gone Wild infomercials and commercials that played late at night). Sex has always been a very integral part of my personality and I’ve possibly even obsessed over it.
 When I turned about twelve or thirteen I started to get these thoughts in my noodle and I couldn’t control them. They kept eating at me and trying to convince me I was gay. They made everything into some gay joke, innuendo, or phantom attraction. I was ready to kill myself but instead I went to my family and I went to see a Psychiatrist. My parents were always there for me every time I had an intrusive thought they were there to explain how stupid or insignificant they were. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and put on a medication for it. The medication worked and eventually I regained (most) of the control over my own thoughts. I never understood my compulsion before, I thought I just had an obsession without the compulsions, it didn’t seem so strange. But looking back on it now I think my compulsion has been to confess my mistakes. You’ll probably notice that as we move on.

The rules.

Before I begin I need to make a few things clear.
1. My punctuation is awful so forgive my terrible writing.
2. I have a blurred memory of the last three or four years. Not everything will be a perfect recollection of events.
3. I may come back and edit this over time if I remember anything drastic. If I do I’ll make a post about it.
4. I’m not using any real names.
Now let’s begin.

First post.

 If you’re reading this then I either haven’t done a good job hiding this, or there has been some serious oversight in my creation of this blog. My plan is for this to act as a sort of diary or other outlet for my feelings. I’ll try to keep things as non-cringe inducing as possible as far as cliches or bawww goes. But no promises.

 The plan is really only to have two or three kinds of text posts here. Posts addressed to someone I care deeply for, posts about my life and the current state of events, and posts screaming about frustrations. Everything else will either be depressing anime photos, gifs, or music.

 I don’t want to draw this out too much so I’ll make my next post essentially the story of how I got to where I am now.