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 I think I’ll be able to look back on today and say that this is when everything finally changed. Because you’ve said awful things to me. You’ve messaged me a few times since we broke up and it was always to say something hateful. I still have all the messages from the last couple months. Around seven hundred to be exact. But that’s not what matters.

 What matters is this message was different. Every other time you’ve messaged me about being a scum bag or an awful person I’ve felt responsible. Like you made a point in some way. I defended the things you said, taking blame for causing those feelings by being unfaithful. Or inconsiderate. Or not friends with your friends. But this is different. I didn’t deserve this. I’d listened to you. I did what you asked. I tried to move on with my life and let you move on with your’s. And what did you do?

 You kept tabs on me and my Tumblr. You messaged me when I had done NOTHING to you. That was the single most hurtful text I have ever received in my entire life. You destroyed me. But you finally said something to me that I can’t defend. I can’t rationalize it. I didn’t deserve it. I loved you more than anything but you didn’t love me enough to have any faith in me. Or any consideration for me when you left. You left me and still keep trying to crush me. But you can’t anymore. I don’t miss you now. I don’t want to do anything to help you now. You chose to be this person. Every time I tried to reach a hand out to you, be it in love, friendship, forgiveness, kindness, you slapped it away with hatred.

 My feelings for you aren’t real. My feelings for you are of a memory of a person who doesn’t exist anymore.

I’m done. After I got that text I asked her to please leave me alone.

I’m done. There’s nothing left. I don’t know who I dated for three years but it wasn’t this person. I didn’t go to church with this girl, or Monday School, or to the movies, or hangout with. I’ve never seen this girl until graduation.

I gave her everything. I made mistakes and so did she. I guess the difference is I love her and I’m willing to overlook her’s and try to fix things. Or I was.

She doesn’t feel that way. She doesn’t love me. I’m finished. I’m not going to pine over her or miss her. I’m not going to try to earn another chance anymore. I can’t. There are certain things I can forgive but getting texts everytime I post a status TWO MONTHS AFTER SHE DUMPED ME still harassing me. I can’t. That one text just unraveled three years of a relationship. There is nothing left now. I think whoever I dated may still be somewhere inside her. But she’s dead.

So earlier today I made a few posts on my main blog about a party I went to.
In these posts I made it clear I didn’t drink. All I did was take like three hits of a blunt and chill. I watched everyone act stupid, puke everywhere, and all that great stuff. I helped when I could, I picked things up, I checked on people. For my first party I was really responsible and helpful I think.

  The problem here is that like five minutes after those posts I get this text from Chloe.

So earlier today I made a few posts on my main blog about a party I went to.
In these posts I made it clear I didn’t drink. All I did was take like three hits of a blunt and chill. I watched everyone act stupid, puke everywhere, and all that great stuff. I helped when I could, I picked things up, I checked on people. For my first party I was really responsible and helpful I think.

The problem here is that like five minutes after those posts I get this text from Chloe.

OHHHH GOD I shouldn’t have wished for that.

I took a nap, didn’t have a dream, so I took another nap.
In the dream I got three texts fron Chloe. They were explaining that she loved me, that she wanted to work things out, and that she knew why she loved me. She asked if I had called to say goodnight and said that she probably couldn’t expect a smile and a hug after all this.
I sat up in bed and called her and told her I loved her. That it’d be okay.

Then I woke up.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m going to take a quick nap before I get ready to go to this party tonight. Please let me get one dream of you into my day.

Do you remember that old bracelet, the blue one with the infinite symbol on it? You broke it on accident and left it at my house. I found it yesterday.

I tied it around my keychain. Infinite seems a lot shorter than I thought.

Is it fucked up that I’m starting to enjoy seeing you in my nightmares? That I revel in the hateful texts? That I’m clinging to any shred of you that’s left?

I hate this. I want our old life back. But I don’t think you’ll ever be able to forgive me. I don’t think you’re capable.

I’ll always love you, Chloe. I miss you so much.

Virginity.

I don’t like that people say that they “lost” their virginity. You don’t just wake up one day, look down, see your dick is gone, find the person who it’s in, and go “Oh man guess I lost my virginity.”
Your virginity isn’t something you lose. It’s something you give to someone special. I used to think that was absolutely unheard of when I was a younger boy. Why would you save it for someone special? You can just sleep with random people and brag about it. Isn’t that more fun?
It’s not.

It hurts to lay down to sleep every night knowing I won’t be able to share with anyone how special an experience I had. I didn’t lose my virginity. It was a gift I gave someone very special. But no one will ever know that. Just my family, Chloe, James, Madeline, and Derrick. Three of those people I don’t even talk to anymore.

I don’t want to lie about being a virgin. But I will not compromise Chloe’s reputation. She doesn’t deserve that.

If anyone sees this and is still a virgin, listen to me. Save it for someone special. I’m not telling you to save it for marriage necessarily but make sure you’re deeply in love. Don’t waste something that precious on someone just to do it. Being cool or respected or whatever is a feeling that will fade away when all your friends get laid. That bond you build though? You can hold that close to your heart forever and it will always feel amazing.

I will never say I “lost” my virginity. I gave it to my first, true love.